If now is not the time…then when is?

Now is not the time
January 2012

Mistakes are often made because perfection won’t prevail
Years slip by changing memories into blackmail
Tossing back and forth your guilt like a sleepless night
Hoping if you word it, if you tell it, it might just sound right
You worry how the whole thing looks…does it look good?
Does that cover up the truth in these snapshots of a childhood?
You can justify weakness in anyway you choose
The truth doesn’t change no matter who you accuse.
That bitterness on your lips I do hope it tastes so sweet
To harbor jealousy for a child that was so easy to defeat.
Although our connection runs angry and red
Your shame remains in the things you left unsaid.
Don’t mistake this as anger because it burns from my soul
Silently watching like the embers settling in coal.

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The Color of…

The Color of
December 2012

The truth doesn’t hurt you but your lies will cut so deep
Oozing out in blue especially when you weep
I can’t begin to explain it for my power is my fight
Does it even cross your mind that maybe it’s just not right
You wear all your good deeds as a trophy flashing gold
A mask to hide your evils behind a story left untold.
Such a fake in your own mind an iridescent truth
Depending on how you tell it, a journey not uncouth
And maybe that’s what made a dreamer raw and real
A bright red reminder for these lips contain its seal.
How dare you, not for who you are, but for the lie you live
Punishment of solitary choice one for which I won’t forgive.
Live everyday as though your so proud of your yellow choice
And I will cut the throat right out of your mendacious voice.
Since you’ve grown so abashed of your own name
Let me paint it orange and blue for the fire it does inflame.
You hold no power over me with your guilty hues
The smell of green and coffee does in me amuse.
You should worry that the world will see your life as flippant
Through me your secrets have now become transparent.

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A Functioning Addict

I let my fear overtake me
Controlling my emotions, contolling my mind.
There is a comfort in that kind of submission.
The kind that allows you to feel in control.
The power seeping into my body like a tingling rash
Giving my skin a new face, unrecognizable to myself
Slowly fading from my own body into something else
A snake, a liar, a thief.
Peering at the world through a new set of eyes
A new experience, A new life.
Paranoid judgments passing all around me
Most of all the ones I make of myself.
I allow its consumption and in return
It does not let me break.
But they can’t take my freedom away
No, they made me hate it.
Cold shivers and night sweats
They tell me im okay.
My sickness is their honour
How I don’t want to like that feeling.
My disease is my burden
And I carry it all too well.

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True Character

Here is a link to the video that a grad student in Delaware created using my poem “Fire and Feathers”. I am very excited that another artist understood what I was trying to say in the poem. “Fire and Feathers” is about being helpless, yet empowered, hopeful yet fearful. It also describes a deep longing to be free, free from limitations, free from rules, free from restrictions. The idea behind it is much like the movie “Into the Wild”. That is one of my favorite movies. If I had the chance to just leave everything that makes me civilized behind…I would do it. There is a longing deep within us as people to live freely. My idea of living freely is living like a native in the woods, no money, no fancy cars or houses. The work you do is for pure survival. Most of us have no idea what it means to survive anything, but if you asked us I am sure we could all find some kind of poor me story to tell that showcases our survival. Stripping us down to only what we are made of…now that to me is true Character.

Fire and Feathers

I carry the fire like a feather carries the wind.
Silent and graceful, I twist and I bend.
Alive and untamed, driven by rage
I hold a light that cannot be caged.
Free from unknowing, unknowing to free
I burn with a heat unbeknown to me.
You think me prisoner to this strong tide,
But my many secrets I play and I hide.

Uncivilized weakness you think a fright,
Yet I blaze and I hold with all of my might.
Savage and wild I give you breath,
One for your life and one for your death.
Misplaced on purpose, a king of the land
Grounded in memory, trees, and sand.
A sinner that prays, a saint that’s sinned
I carry the fire like a feather carries the wind.

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On Ending my Innocence

I have always been very interested in the idea of love and dreams being like the ocean. The ocean is a moving thing very much like love. It is always changing and looks different upon every shore it reaches. I like the idea of love as a motion because I don’t think love stays the same. Time, experience, and understanding all change and help evolve the practice of love. We all are still evolving right up until the day we die. I think at 24 that feels good to know that nothing I am doing should be perfected but should be practiced. Over time I am sure that everything I do now I will do even better at 44…including love. Dreams are like the ocean as well. The rise and they fall, they change and move with everything that you do in your own life. Dreams change with time. Dreams look different on everyone and the ocean is different upon every shore it reaches, just like love is different with every person you have it with. I have been lucky to have a keen insight early on, but even I do not perfect my own practice like I should. In fact the ocean feels a little scarey to me now, whereas it use to feel fearless. I am sure its because the more you have in life the more you have to loose, but I think the trick to that is learning how to balance heathly fear with unhealthy fear. So maybe one day soon I’ll go ride a boat in the ocean or maybe go parasailing. Maybe.

On Ending my Innocence
My heart, hopes, and dreams on one boat
Set to sail whether they sink or float.
This must come to a conclusion fair
Hopefully an end my heart can bare.
Unmistakable unfortunate fate
Leaving me to the seas of endless hate.
Never to bid me farewell on their shores
Forever longing to feel something more.
All in All, the captain yells, “time to go”
Ready or not, I do not know.

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I think many times in life it is pretty safe to say that we are all ruled by fear. More times than not it is the fear of the unknown. I am very critical of others and maybe to a fault. When I see mothers who are neglectful of their children I judge them…when I see a wife cheating on her husband I judge her…liars, theives, felons, you name it and I am pretty sure that without some background info on the story my very first thought is how can someone be like that…I have heard every horrible story in the book–my parents weren’t there for me, I was abused, my family was plagued with drugs, alcohol, and addiction. As a child these are horrible facts that change who you become, but as an adult these are excuses. I often feel like people make excuses for why they do the things that they do or for how they turned out. Oh I was abused as a child so that is why I can’t take care of my own child…really? I know I may be very wrong in the way I think about life as I am still young, but I don’t understand how adults can logically think like that. I can promise you that I have seen, experience, heard, or lived everything you can possibly think of…I am a therapists nightmare and I am sure if I went into one today and told them my story (because every person alive has one) then they would immediately medicate me and give me the million excuses that I would need to logically rid myself of fault for all of my mistakes. I think that would be the exact moment when all of those things would take me over. They can’t take you to the dark side if they can’t catch you. So many people want to wallow in their own pain or in their own self pity. WHy? That makes no sense. There are millions of people in the world who have been through exactly the same thing as you. No one can take away that your pain is real, but no one else in the world should be made to suffer for it either. You can only be afraid of things that you do not acknowledge! Shed some light into your own demons and force them out and never look back.

Fear in Child
Awake my dear child, a voice is calling for you today
Calling to tell your secret the one you have held long
Listen to it child it’s clever in its way
Obey its command and there is no reason you’ll go wrong
For today is the day, you must hide it no more
You are free from the prison arise and it shall not be in vain
But now realize my child its time to close the door
No longer should you tarry on a secret of much pain
You know your time is up when all the light is turned to grey
Your eyes no longer know they’re not amused by the allure
Awake my inner soul awake in me today
Secrets are for fear and a child I am no more.

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Many times I have often just sat alone and thought about the world and thought about my place in the world. I am a realist in so many ways because when things are not going smoothly in my life I often stop and think about what I may be doing wrong. In allowing myself the time to stop and observe this insight I feel I have developed a good understanding of people. Understanding is the key to a good experience, yet with understanding comes many unresolved questions. I had a few deep questions for people that I knew who were the very thing they hated the most in this world. Most of them insecure, or plagued with drug addiction or other kinds of problems…but they couldn’t just face it…that is what this poem is about. I believe these issues are what destroy the true, raw soul of an artist…and that is a shame.

When no one understands no one can care
A romantic kind of view on life
The only kind of glory is a selfish kind of love
And the only kind of hate is the fear of not understanding
When their eyes say no more you push deeper
Breaking the spirit of light in this world
And their voices crack in deep aspiration, misery
From the silent screams of personal decay
I can only hope you find what you are after
Before you destroy yet another shadow soul
And if I could tell you, you are the waste you hate
Would make a difference at all or cause the shadow heart to break.

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